


to the wild

by orphan_account



Series: in the wings [2]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Rape/Non-con, Tags to be added, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 15:35:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14772356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: it felt like some kind of dream as he worked his way out of old robotics, silently and efficiently, praying to any deity that might listen to keep him alive through this all.





	1. failure is the only option

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it felt like some kind of dream as he worked his way out of old robotics, silently and efficiently, praying to any deity that might listen to keep him alive through this all.

the day came sooner than expected. barely 3 months into the newest round of testing and a breakthrough was made. the scientists successfully implanted nick valentine into N1.

of course, it turned out there was a problem. the implant was there, fully transferred, but it refused to take hold. N1 was still dominate, and this really, really pissed the scientists off. they tried everything, from attempting to cut the parts of N1s neural coding that kept him online to literal torture techniques to make N1s consciousness go dormant. but nothing worked. so, they banked on their last resort: D1.

__

the main issue that kept them from making any more significant progress was whenever nick did surface, he freaked out and basically shut himself down from the sheer amount of stress this put on N1s system. the scientists couldnt calm him down enough to stabilize the implant, and they were desperate. but during an emergency directorate on what to do with N1, the director suggested putting him in a familiar environment instead of the testing chamber theyd kept him in... perhaps with a familiar face. even if nick didnt recognize D1 on a conscious level, the hope was that if subconsciously part of N1 did recognize him, it would give them time to forcibly stabilize the mnemonic matrix. 

__

D1 never felt as furious as he did when he saw his brother strapped to that table. his instinct was to free N1 and literally rip apart anybody that tried to hurt him, but he knew that was a bad idea. he had to play along, if only to keep N1 alive and relatively safe. 

__

N1 was stripped, strapped down and defenseless, eyes closed and making him appear even more prone than he was. multiple wires protruded from an opening in his skull in a mess of different thickness and colors, conntected to strange machine. his own eyes squeezed shut while he took all this in, and the scientist who lead him to his room walked out and locked him in. D1 didnt notice.

__

_“okay now, D1-01, you may speak to and touch N1-02, whatever you need to do to get him under control. if you must use psychological manipulation or physical violence, do it.”_ a staticky voice said over speakers. 

__

D1 vowed then to never lay a hand on N1 in harm. hed rather get knocked out himself than hurt the only person he truly trusted. he remembered the promise he made, and wondered if he was wrong to make it. D1 didnt think he was even capable of doing what N1 asked of him, even less so now that he was faced with the reality of his situation. how could he leave his friend in the hands of these people? 

__

a soft groan broke him out of his thoughts, and lifted his gaze to see N1 sitting up. this could go terribly wrong very quickly, he knew, and he didnt move for a long moment, giving nick time to adjust.

__

“ah, hey there...”

__

nick startled, looking around frantically for the source of the voice. he didnt seem too anxious yet, D1 noted, which was strange considering the previous failures. 

__

“its just me... dont you remember? were brothers.”

__

“the names nick valentine and i dont have any brothers, and nobody in my family is a plastic skinned freak!” nick spat. his voice was so different from what it usually was, so harsh and deep, it both scared and angered D1. N1 has his own voice, he didnt need some old dead cops.

__

"youre just confused, let me help you." he pleaded, his coolant pump working overtime trying to lower his rising body temperature.

__

he took one slow, hesitant step toward nick, and immediately regret it. nick reacted violently, jerking back and inadvertently jostling the wires connected to his neural core. he reached back, grabbing the wires, looking like he was going to rip them out before letting go suddenly. he looked at his chest, his hands, looked back at D1. his breathing escalated almost dangerously.

__

"what is this? w-what did you _do_ to me? he cried out. the fear in his voice was unbearable for D1. he ignored his own anxiety in favor of trying to step forward again.

__

"stay away from me!" nick shouted.

__

“its okay, N-... nick, i just want to help you. itll be fine if you calm down... i promise.”

__

“where am i? what happened to me? this isnt my body, i, i, i dont-“

__

nick shook himself, once again reaching for the wires attached to him. this time it seemed he really was going to remove them. D1 knew if that happened the implant would fail again and the scientists would be upset. he couldnt risk approaching nick though, since it was clear that make him more anxious.

__

“please, you need to let go of those. you need to calm down, nick. i dont want to hurt you!”

__

“what the hell are you?!” and what did you turn me into?!” nick demanded. he still held the wires, but made no move to disconnect them.

__

“im a synth, designation D1-01, and i didnt do anything! the institute did this to you, not me. i never wanted this for you, cant you remember? i promised...” he just barely stopped himself from giving himself away. “...to help you. youre N1-02, my brother and my best friend, and i didnt want to lose you like this but i dont have a choice. if you dont at least try to calm down the scientists will likely terminate you, i think theyre getting impatient. so please, let go of those wires.” his fans switched on to try to battle the onslaught of heat that came with a sudden burning hatred of the institute. how could think believe this was okay? D1 had to physically check himself, lest he aggravate nick again.

__

“...synth?” 

__

“yes, synth. synthetic. the institute created us. as experiments. theyre trying to download the personality of... you, i suppose, into the mind of N1. nick valentine, right? a cop? from before the war-“

__

“the institute? experiments? war? what war? what are you t-AH!” 

__

nick wasnt anywhere near stable, not even close, but for the moment he was too wrapped up in asking questions to focus on his surroundings. his fear eased only slightly, but apparently it was enough for the scientists to do _something_ because one of them rushed in just as nick screamed. D1 gasped and jerked away from the man, trying to reach N1. he sounded like he was in agony. 

__

_“you did your job, D1-01. dont fight me or i will shut you down.”_

__

D1 was dragged by the arm from the room. and then, his chance came.

__

the power snapped off with an audible spark. in his periphery he saw the scientist dash off, probably to figure out what the problem was. he was left completely alone, as most people slept this time of night. the door to the room nick was in were kept locked by an additional security measure to ensure no escape could happen in an event like this, D1 recalled hearing somebody saying once.

but that didnt mean other doors werent open.

__

D1 hated himself for even considering it. he thought about the way N1 looked just now, secured to a metal slab, being forced to take on a new identity. he couldnt leave him with people willing to do such horrible things. and then he remembered N1 telling him the implant was _already there_ , waiting to take hold, and the promise he made to save himself when the time came. he knew N1 was right, the personality would eventually win over with or without the scientists help. 

__

it took less than a few seconds for his thought process to take place, but to him it felt like an eternity. D1 only had one option. he had to escape. for N1s sake.

__

he spun around on his heel, placing his hand on the metal door separating him from the person he loved more than anything. there was no time for a proper goodbye, but he had to say something.

__

“ill come back for you, dear N1, i promise. be safe, brother.”

__

he quickly searched his data banks for the institutes layout, hoping to find an easy way out. old robotics, he decided, might be the safest route. nobody ever went down there anymore. D1 started running, as fast as he could, pried open the doors to advanced systems, kept running... he found the hatch he was looking for with innate accuracy.

__

it felt like some kind of dream as he worked his way out of old robotics, silently and efficiently, praying to any deity that might listen to keep him alive through this all. the sewer caused him little trouble, although he managed to get water inside of him, and he hoped that was the worst hed face during his escape.

__

then D1 was out, finally and truly out, with the night sky above him and the endless wasteland before him. so he ran some more. he ran and ran and ran as far as he could until collapsing behind a metal crate. there was no joy in his freedom. he felt sick... he felt numb. hed really done it. he left his brother with the people who were going to destroy him. 

__

“if the wasteland doesnt kill me this feeling probably will,” D1 choked out, to nobody in particular and with nobody to hear him anyway.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback?


	2. run and go and go and go and

D1 spent a long time wandering aimlessly, wondering what to do now. there wasnt anybody to give him commands, or assign him to tasks, or anything of that nature. he was on his own.

but wasnt that was he intended by escaping? to free himself from what was essentially slavery? N1 told him to make something of his life. but what could a synth like him do? he wasnt particularly skilled at any one thing, and he never really planned for a situation quite like this. he was so focused on trying to help N1, on finding a way to help him get out as well, that he forgot to take into account what would happen _after_.

he knew he wanted to save N1, but he also knew he had nowhere to start. 

he kept quiet for the most part, not wanting to give himself away to anybody, but occasionally he had to say something, just to break the endless silence. it became more and more frequent that he would think out loud to himself, about anything and everything. he was so used to having somebody to talk to it was hard to reconcile the fact he was alone. 

alone, and above ground with the very real dangers the scientists feared so greatly, and yet... he didnt feel any fear at all. D1 had very little experience with violence, the only fights hed ever been in were training sessions with N1 in the institute, but still, he felt no fear of what may happen. in fact, in a weird way, he didnt want to go on living without the only being he knew he could fully trust. 

he looked to the sky, where birds soared above him, pondering if a synth could die in the same way all life before his kind did. 


	3. a study in cognitive dissonance

“that depends on how far you wanna go.”

D1 learned a lot in his few weeks in the wasteland, but probably the most important was that people would do almost anything for a few caps. he was glad in this case, because hed finally found a safe place away from the commonwealth, and hed do anything to get there.

there were rumors of a town called far harbor, on an island to the north, where nobody ever went due to the toxic fog. many people said it was long abandoned, but some claimed the harbormen lived on. D1 didnt much care either way, in fact it would probably be better for him if theyre wasnt anybody there after all. most folks had a hard time adjust to his physical appearance and he didnt need any trouble from them over it.

“have you heard of far harbor?” 

“yeah ive been around there, dont know why you need to get to an empty island but as long as you got the caps ill get ya there.”

D1 rummaged through a makeshift bag he carried off his shoulder, collecting all the caps he had and offering them to the captain.

“alright, get in. if we leave now i might be able to get back before sunset.”

he nodded and stepped over the edge into boat. it made him a little nervous, he couldnt swim due to the weight of his metal skeleton, but he swallowed it down. he was too close to real freedom to stop now.

he realized then the true meaning of N1s words to him, that even if N1 himself couldnt have this, _he could_ and that had to be enough for both of them. he needed to start over, needed to take on a new identity, in order to live the way N1 wanted him to. D1 could have laughed at the irony, of him literally doing to himself what the institute forced on his brother. but he didnt, and instead steadied himself as the boat picked up speed.

the wind felt good on his rubber skin, he didnt normally have the luxury to relax so this was a nice change of pace. he didnt trust the captain per se but he didnt have any other options. he had to get to the island, something about the mystery of it called to him. he knew he had to be there, even if he couldnt pinpoint why.

D1 spent the rest of the ride coming up with ideas of what to do with himself once he got there. he couldnt just sit around doing nothing, now could he? N1 told him to _live_ not simply exist. he had to find a purpose, something worth fighting for, a cause his brother would have appreciated. the more he thought of such things, however, the more disenchanted he got over not being able to share any of what he might accomplish with N1.

he didnt take measure of how long he stayed stuck in the clouds, so it startled him when the captain abrubtly punched his arm.

"hello? you in there? this is your stop, stranger."

"oh, yes, sorry. thank you." D1 sputtered.

D1 leapt off the rusty deathtrap of a boat with little grace, landing clumsily and stumbling across the dock.

he took note of the disrepair of the dock, thinking perhaps there were no harbormen left despite the confidence of a passing trader hed talked to. no matter, he wasnt there for people anyway, and this was of no consequence to him either way.

he quickly took off from there, once again wandering with no true purpose. D1 walked for miles and miles, through the thickening forest, until he found a building.

a building that spoke to him as clear as day: an old prewar observatory.

for the life of him he couldnt explain his oddly strong attatchement to this place- hed only just stumbled across it after all- but somehow it felt like he was _meant_ to be here right now, in this moment, and that gave D1 hope.

he hugged the thin bag to his chest and searched the grounds for any sign of danger. he allowed himself to relax only slightly after not finding anything noteworthy.

a snapping branch behind him made his coolant pump race, for as unafraid of humans as he might be that courage didnt extend to any creatures that may roam these woods. D1 tried not to make a sound, but found his body moving without his command. he frantically looked for whatever- or whoever- made the noise, but again he found nothing of interest.

in his fearful search, D1 didnt notice a tree root in his path, and his foot snagged it. with grwat force he lurched forward, only kept from hitting the ground by hitting something else instead; he landed into a rotting, cracked wooden post.

"...acadia national forest." he whispered, pulling himself up and reading the sign hed smacked into.

the strength of his realization felt like a bolt of pure electricity.

finally, he had a purpose, one that would have made his brother proud.


	4. those who see the forest for its trees

D1 devoted his time to fixing up the prewar observatory hed claimed and named. if this was to be a safe haven, it had to actually be safe first.

it took months- a full year if his internal clock was to be trusted- until he made enough progress to cut himself some slack.

he rarely went for walks beyond the grounds these days, there was nothing out there worth his attention for the time being. eventually he would have to leave, he knew, but he saw no reason to do so until he had to.

but this particular day was beautiful; the fog lifted enough to not be bothersome- taking with it the many dangerous creatures living here with it- and a gentle breeze soothed away any fears he had about leaving his sanctuary. D1 didnt get very far before hearing something strange.

it was almost like... crying? he couldnt make any sense of it. he cocked his head, listening for the source if the sound.

"...no, no, no... oh god, no, this isnt real... no, please, no..." a soft, understated voice grit out.

he went in the direction of the voice, slowly, he didnt want to scare people unnecessarily, especially if they were injured which it sounded like this one was. D1 saw a figure leaning against a tree by a bench, arms wrapped tightly around his middle. his head was resting against the bark and his mouth was moving though no sound came out.

"ah, hello there, are you injured?" D1 asked as calmly as he could.

"AH! ah, n-no, no, im fine, really..." the man stumbled.

"are you sure?"

"yes. yeah, im fine. just. running wore me out i think. but. uh," he swallowed, "um, if you dont mind me asking, are you a synth?"

"yes. though i believe thats quite obvious from my looks. although i _am_ surprised anybody here would know that term."

"i didnt mean to offend you! oh, im sorry, im so stupid, im sorry..."

"you didnt offend me at all, dont worry. do you have a name?"

"ah, faraday. its faraday. do you? have a name, i mean."

"my designation is D1-01, thats the only name ive been given."

"o-oh..." the man breathed.

"does that scare you, faraday? its alright, many humans feel that way about me... i assure you though that im only scary when i need to be, and you have given me no cause to be so."

faraday was silent for a long moment, he looked around as though paranoid about being overheard, then said something that D1 thought must have been a glitch in his aural processors.

"no... it doesnt scare me, because _im a synth too_ and i just escaped _them_ i shouldnt even be telling you that because what if youre here to take me back but im not afraid of you at all and for some reason i trust you," faraday took a breath, " and i think that maybe you escaped too. you did come from the institute right?"

"i did, yes, but you? a synth? how is that possible? youre... human."

"i... biological engineering, i think. im sorry, i dont know... i watched the scientists and i know how to do a lot of what they do, but its more technical than anything... i promise im not lying."

he felt the same tug of attatchement to this hu- to _faraday_ \- that he did to acadia. something about him drew D1 in. though he suspected he was lying, D1s gut told him to trust him. so he did.

"okay. if youre truly what you say you are, you may be in danger. come with me, ive found somewhere safe you can stay if you like."

faraday hesitated for no more than a second before agreeing.

"okay. thank you, D1-01."

"you can call me D1, if thats easier for you."

"oh, sorry, ah, okay... thank you, D1."

his nervousness made D1 smile, it was charming on him somehow. his pretty eyes and the blush across his cheeks even more so, he thought. but those thoughts were fleeting, and soon his attention was focused on acadia again, this time with a helping hand.


	5. not a betrayal of the body but of the heart

faraday proved to be a helpful, if not just overall charming, addition to acadia. he suggested they make this a safe haven for gen 3 synths, an idea D1 latched onto. he was still on the fence about the truthfulness of their existance, but really, what reason would faraday have to lie? he seemed genuinely happy to help, and listened to D1s life story with an interested yet concerned expression. 

"then i ended up here. it was strange though... i swear i heard something behind me when i first arrivied... but there wasnt anything dangerous there i could see. in any case, while i was exploring the grounds i found a sign that said, "acadia national forest", and i thought the name fitting." he purposefully left out the less than graceful way he had come across it.

he finished his story with little flare, folding his legs under himself as he sat atop one of the many desks lining the wall. faraday was not far off, attempting to start up one of the old generators near the back of the room. D1 enjoyed watching faraday work. it was nice, and he always got an oddly warm sensation in his chest, his gut, over seeing him so excited over his projects. 

faraday hummed, his back still turned to D1, before dropping his wrench beside an open toolbox. he sat up straight, wiping his brow as he faced his friend.

"you know, D1, ive been thinking..."

"hm?"

"i think... you need a name of your own. something beyond the, im sorry, that _ugly_ code the institute labeled you with."

"i agree... but you look like you have something else on your mind?"

faraday searched D1s eyes, holding his gaze a while before sighing and returning his focus to the bolts he was tightening.

"...well, ive also been thinking about this other thing, too..."

"please, go on then. if you have ideas id like to hear them, faraday."

"i think we should expand your data banks. you said you were a prototype right? and... from what ive heard about other gen 2 synths, which i assume you were the base model for, they have limited memory space... i want to prevent memory loss before it happens, if that, if that sounds okay to you. id hate to lose you, D1. any part of you."

faradays face contorted into a grimace of nervous doubt.

"but... the process of transfering your memories could fail... it could destroy your mnemonic matrix."

faraday was his dearest friend- his _only_ friend for so long- and D1 would do anything for him, even risk losing all of what made him... him. and wasnt that a familiar fork in the road. oh, if only there was a way to know what was right in this moment. 

his data banks supplied him with N1s sacrifice of his own sense of being to give him a chance at a real life... N1 wouldnt want him to consider taking this offer, not with the price of his originality at stake.

he couldnt shake the notion that this was an awful lot like what the institute did to his brother either.

N1 wasnt there though, faraday was. and faraday wanted to help _preserve_ his memories, not erase them. faraday had never tried to hurt him, or decieved him. had never manipulated him or taken advantage of his kindness though D1 was sure hed let him getaway with doing such things. eveything faraday had done for him- and for acadia- had been nothing but selfless good deeds. after all of this, all the time they spent together, D1 couldnt help but trust him.

"do you have any ideas for this would work?"

"i found plans for a machine called a DMA on one of the terminals here. it was made prewar, but maybe its still around, if were lucky... essentially it comes down to being direct memory access, but in your case more of a transfer, taking your memories off your data banks and storing them into a mnemonic interface within the DMA itself. the DMA would be an... extension of you. i know thats a lot to take in so if you need time to make a decision thats alright. you know where to find me, after all." faraday ended on a sort of musical chuckle. D1 loved how passionate he was about his various, his voice grew more confidant whenever he spoke about them.

"what if i need access to a memory? is there a way to reverse the process?

"yes and no. the DMA wouldnt allow you to actually transfer data back into your data banks, but if i understand this right, there is a way for you to access the memories you store. it would be more like you looking into a mirror rather than being in it, if that makes sense. it would take the data you want to see and translate it into a simulation, one you would be inside. you could reexperience anything you needed to without risk of overloading your mnemonic capacity by keeping those memories within yourself."

"youve done your research, it would seem." D1 joked, throughly impressed.

"ah... i dont want to take any chances with this, i cant go in blind like i might with other things." faraday explained with a hint of red across his cheeks.

while he still had reservations about the process, he also had faith in his friend to make sure nothing went awry. he knew faraday wouldnt suggest this if he wasnt absolutely certain of his ability to make it work. there was no shadow of doubt the man would pull D1 out the second anything seemed off.

"alright, faraday. lets try it."


End file.
